I spent the last four days in wonder and awe over the majesty of our God's creation. I was blessed, refreshed, stirred and inspired. God spoke to me and nourished my heart. The expansive mountains and His presence drew me into a place of being who I am, where I am (emotionally) and feeling what I feel. This is in contrast to my norm of trying to be who I want to be, where I should be and feeling sensible or productive feelings.
I brought along a book I haven't read in several years. Upon opening, out fell a picture of Shea and Malachi dated April of 2005. I was stirred by it. Here was my family, my bride and my heir, at our pinnacle of happiness and success, a moment in time, where I was as close to living my dream as ever before or since. This came in the context of being surrounded by men young and old in various stages of hope and happiness; one - engaged, another - expecting his first, still others in the sweet partnership of later years. I realized that I had not made peace with the loss of my family and all of the hopes and dreams to be lived with them. I was so grieved and jealous. Not envious, but jealous. Just so strongly desiring what everyone around me had.
This uncovered some carefully hidden burning and sorrowful questions filling my heart: "Why is my story so different? Why can't I have this too? Why is my bride in the arms of another? etc. In my mind, I have many answers to these questions, many of which point the finger at me. But these aren't questions of the mind, they are yearnings and groanings of my heart which my mind has no power to address.
With no religion or accusation, but more with confusion and sorrow I brought these questions to my loving Father. True to form, He hasn't answered me directly. But He has with an assurance of his love, goodness and faithfulness. I can say He is good, loving and faithful.
JDM
