About 9 years ago I went through a 9
month season where I spent one or two hours a day seeking God through prayer
and study. Near the beginning He put a
single passage on my heart. It was:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made
perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my
weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's
sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in
difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I spent so much time seeking Him
over this. I wrote sermons about it,
discussed it ad nauseam with friends and generally focused on it. Here comes the real kicker…I asked Him to
work it out in my heart. This is
something like asking for patience, if you do get ready to wait. I had this naïve notion that He would wave his
magic wand over my heart and, viola, I would be Paul or something. It sounded like such a cool spiritual ninja
kind of thing. That is not quite fair; I
was sincere in wanting to embody this. I
had a sense of the power of it to bring glory to God like in the John Piper
video I posted. I was yet too young to
know that God molds our hearts through our lives. He teaches patience through waiting, and He
imparts this beautiful God honoring strength through “weaknesses…insults…
hardships…persecutions, …(and)difficulties.”
Paul became the Paul we know and love through,
I have…been in prison more frequently, been flogged more
severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from
the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I
was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the
open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from
rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger
from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at
sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and have
often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone
without food; I have been cold and naked. 11:23-27
We’ll I
can say from experience that God will answer even the most naïve prayers. Paul still has a few on me ;) but God has
taught me what this passage is all about.
Psalm 23 is just a neat passage that makes for a good song until you
walk through your own ‘valley of the shadow of death’ and find that He is with
you. I know my hardships are so much less than many
others, but they were more I could handle without His grace. When my wife first left God asked me, just as
clear as day, if I would trust Him in and with it. With much travail I agreed to it. I felt for some time that He let me
down. I was so hurt. I trusted Him with what was most dear to me
and then watched it crumble. I was mad
at Him for years. Only mad of course
because it hurt too much to be close.
First, I
began to get a sense that there just might be beauty in my life again someday -
beauty and joy despite the years of pain. This was the ray of hope, the proverbial
first light of dawn after the dark night of my soul. It was profound to open up to the idea that
maybe not all was lost. He loves me too
much to leave me there though. Second, I
got this idea that maybe the beauty to come would be so wonderful that I would
not choose to change a thing. This was
real hope! I might even be able to make
peace with my journey! I was struck by
this notion and wary of hoping for so much.
He loves me too much to leave me there too.
Recently
through some ‘God appointments’ and teachings and nature He has opened up a new
hope to me. He has begun to show me that
the years of pain were an expression of His faithfulness and grace to me. The second hope was something like, “He might
actually make it up to me!” He is so
much better than that though. Through
the affair, the separation, the blame, the divorce, through all of it (without
getting into sovereignty, let’s leave it at Him working through things :) ) He
was working on my behalf. He was
answering my fervent prayers. At first I
was like, “He is still God, but I don’t like Him.” Then I moved into, “Maybe
life will be okay even though I don’t like Him.” Then I thought, “I don’t know what to think
about how He failed me, but maybe He has wonderful things in store for me.” Then out of left field He whispers to my
heart that maybe, just maybe, all of it, every bit of it, was Him lavishing His
love on me. Maybe it was all Him working
out His heart in me, setting me free, free from my addiction to
approval, from being ‘perfect’, from a terribly flawed relationship, from being religious, from a
rather dismal and chaotic future, from living for appearances.
It is
like He came to me with a present. He
looked at me with eyes full of love, commitment and empathy and said, “I have a
gift for you. You are not going to like
it, but I promise it is a gift. I have
painstakingly prepared it just for you.
I wish it could be different, but just know I love you and have your
best at heart. Will you trust me in
this?” I only heard the last line of
that at first, but now I know. I know
what it feels like to be filled with strength borne of weakness. I know that He is far better than I ever
imagined. I know that He has plans for
me, for a hope and a future. I know that He makes me lie down in green pastures, that He leads me beside still waters, and
that He restores my soul.
The gift was excruciating pain.
The gift was betrayal and abandonment.
The gift was embarrassment and shame.
The gift was the death of my dreams.
The gift was losing the opportunity to put my son to bed most nights.
The gift was hope.
The gift was joy.
The gift was strength.
The gift was freedom.
The gift was vibrancy.
The gift was holiness.
The gift was maturity.
The gift was authenticity.
The gift was faith.
The gift was trust.
The gift was me renewed, empowered, set free and let loose to live.
The gift was more than I ever would have known to ask for.
As far as the giver...there simply aren't words to describe His love and beauty.
JDM