Unexpectedly Single

Your tongue is a fire - Isaac Anderson

I was really encouraged by this sermon on Sunday and I love the speaker.  I look forward to his career in writing and speaking.  Its worth the time - excuse or skip the announcements.  I don't know why they are on there. It actually starts at 6 minutes.

The joy of my life

I am a bit depressed this week.  Thankfully I am over any and all sense of loss relating to my lost marriage.  Proximity to my ex ensures a continued sort of gratitude for it.  Anyway, the loss that haunts me and I think will always, is that of my role in Malachi's daily life.  He is simultaneously the greatest joy in my life and a constant reminder of what I cannot have and want more than anything.  That is, to put him to bed every night, to be the functional dad in his life not the occasional one.  Last week, he was talking about something we could do together and he said, 'if I get to see you again.'  He is just five and I know he didn't really mean it, but I do think that to him I am a seemingly unpredictable presence.  It is odd to find so much joy in him and to be so grateful for him and to also find him to be a visceral reminder of failure and of irreplaceable loss.  I literally feel sick to my stomach when I see that he is becoming more aware of how little time we have together.  While I am not the least bit tempted to do so, I begin to understand how some men, men who love their kids, move away to avoid being constantly reminded of massive failure and loss.

I cannot see how I will ever make peace with this reality.

A Simple Narrative

Simple, but not shallow; Strong, but vulnerable; Passionate and Courageous, but meek and modest.

"That is what I hope is said about the life I've lived when it has finished. I hope that my life is remembered as a story, not fancied by made-up entities, but raw and real. Through the years I've spent on this earth, I've been lectured on leaving a "legacy." After much thought, and consideration, I decided for myself that a legacy was unnecessary. I feel as though we have to many of those filling our history books,and being recorded in other mediums. My hearts desire is that I do not let my life turn into another strive to make it into world history. But rather that it becomes a narrative, simple, but inspiring. Please do not let the world remember me by the speech from my lips, the ink from my pen, or certainly not a picture of my face. Let them remember me in a different light. In the light of a daring tale that lives on in the memories of my friends and family. And when all has been accomplished by all that was to be accomplished by me on this earth, look to my life as a piece of literature. A story, with a definite beginning and ending, and an author who orchestrated my steps through it all. Let the cover read 'A Simple Narrative' because the critics of the novel should say "From the beginning, to the end of this account, my heart was moved, my soul was inspired, and my humanity was stretched. The world should read and gain small but certain truths from the life lived in this Simple Narrative."

Dayne Trent - A friend of a friend with a blog :)  Check it out

He has captured something important for me.  I have been lamenting my drive for greatness and renown.  I have truly disdained the ordinary and normal.  I have sensed the folly of it but not had a more compelling narrative to replace it with.  Some day soon I will write my own heart on this topic.  Today though I am blessed by Dayne's simple eloquence and uncommon wisdom.

The allure of lofty ideas, bold actions and notable accomplishments is being eclipsed in me by a powerful desire for a life typified by gratitude, laughter, love and wonderful relationships.  Praise God :)

JDM

How to End Global Slavery

Be careful what you pray for…

About 9 years ago I went through a 9 month season where I spent one or two hours a day seeking God through prayer and study.  Near the beginning He put a single passage on my heart.  It was:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I spent so much time seeking Him over this.  I wrote sermons about it, discussed it ad nauseam with friends and generally focused on it.  Here comes the real kicker…I asked Him to work it out in my heart.  This is something like asking for patience, if you do get ready to wait.  I had this naïve notion that He would wave his magic wand over my heart and, viola, I would be Paul or something.  It sounded like such a cool spiritual ninja kind of thing.  That is not quite fair; I was sincere in wanting to embody this.  I had a sense of the power of it to bring glory to God like in the John Piper video I posted.  I was yet too young to know that God molds our hearts through our lives.  He teaches patience through waiting, and He imparts this beautiful God honoring strength through “weaknesses…insults… hardships…persecutions, …(and)difficulties.”  Paul became the Paul we know and love through,

I have…been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 11:23-27

                We’ll I can say from experience that God will answer even the most naïve prayers.  Paul still has a few on me ;) but God has taught me what this passage is all about.  Psalm 23 is just a neat passage that makes for a good song until you walk through your own ‘valley of the shadow of death’ and find that He is with you.   I know my hardships are so much less than many others, but they were more I could handle without His grace.   When my wife first left God asked me, just as clear as day, if I would trust Him in and with it.  With much travail I agreed to it.  I felt for some time that He let me down.  I was so hurt.  I trusted Him with what was most dear to me and then watched it crumble.  I was mad at Him for years.  Only mad of course because it hurt too much to be close.

                First, I began to get a sense that there just might be beauty in my life again someday -  beauty  and joy despite the years of pain.   This was the ray of hope, the proverbial first light of dawn after the dark night of my soul.  It was profound to open up to the idea that maybe not all was lost.  He loves me too much to leave me there though.  Second, I got this idea that maybe the beauty to come would be so wonderful that I would not choose to change a thing.  This was real hope!  I might even be able to make peace with my journey!  I was struck by this notion and wary of hoping for so much.  He loves me too much to leave me there too.

                Recently through some ‘God appointments’ and teachings and nature He has opened up a new hope to me.  He has begun to show me that the years of pain were an expression of His faithfulness and grace to me.  The second hope was something like, “He might actually make it up to me!”  He is so much better than that though.  Through the affair, the separation, the blame, the divorce, through all of it (without getting into sovereignty, let’s leave it at Him working through things :) ) He was working on my behalf.  He was answering my fervent prayers.  At first I was like, “He is still God, but I don’t like Him.” Then I moved into, “Maybe life will be okay even though I don’t like Him.”  Then I thought, “I don’t know what to think about how He failed me, but maybe He has wonderful things in store for me.”  Then out of left field He whispers to my heart that maybe, just maybe, all of it, every bit of it, was Him lavishing His love on me.  Maybe it was all Him working out His heart in me, setting me free, free from my addiction to approval, from being ‘perfect’, from a terribly flawed relationship, from being religious, from a rather dismal and chaotic future, from living for appearances.

                It is like He came to me with a present.  He looked at me with eyes full of love, commitment and empathy and said, “I have a gift for you.  You are not going to like it, but I promise it is a gift.  I have painstakingly prepared it just for you.  I wish it could be different, but just know I love you and have your best at heart.  Will you trust me in this?”  I only heard the last line of that at first, but now I know.  I know what it feels like to be filled with strength borne of weakness.  I know that He is far better than I ever imagined.  I know that He has plans for me, for a hope and a future.  I know that He makes me lie down in green pastures, that He leads me beside still waters, and that He restores my soul. 

The gift was excruciating pain.

The gift was betrayal and abandonment.

The gift was embarrassment and shame.

The gift was the death of my dreams.

The gift was losing the opportunity to put my son to bed most nights.

The gift was hope. 

The gift was joy. 

The gift was strength.

The gift was freedom. 

The gift was vibrancy. 

The gift was holiness. 

The gift was maturity. 

The gift was authenticity. 

The gift was faith. 

The gift was trust. 

The gift was me renewed, empowered, set free and let loose to live. 

The gift was more than I ever would have known to ask for.

As far as the giver...there simply aren't words to describe His love and beauty.

JDM

Why do you not see?

Let’s see

Each morning, new, this we know

But don’t always see

The blessing of the dawn

The air, the trees

Divine in it’s own right

Even the wrinkles in your fingers

Were carefully crafted

Do you see

Or do you choose to look away

Denying the wonders available

And closing your eyes to the amazing

Beyond comprehension

Unbelievable sights to all

Fill your senses

Breathe it in

Life is not long

What will you decide

To make it through, thrive

Or to live, making every moment count

Have the stories to tell gladly,

Rather than sadly

Without regrets,

Or to be grateful for the lessons

Learned along the road

I may not know how I will arrive there

But I do know where I’m headed

No matter the road

be it small narrow and difficult

wide and easy

crooked and crazy

I will enjoy every moment of the climb

Even the falls

the adventure of it all

Are you coming with me?

Open your eyes, see!

Or you may stumble and fall

Torn and bruised

I will be there to help

Will you take my hand

Or continue alone

Be alone

Feel alone

I’ve been broken down

Even into pieces

Splintered and shredded

Too, my friend

But no matter how many people turned away

Choose to look for someone needed them

Rather than wanting

I still had someone I knew would never leave me

Never not dry my tears

Never leave me lying alone

For He would lie down

Beside me

Hold my hand

Hold my heart

And see my soul

Bare and exposed

And still He would stay

Even when I pushed away

For I too did not see for a time

That his grace would never take me

Where his hands could not hold me

Heal me

See me

And still want me

For his own

If your friend created a beautiful scene

Would you not stare in

Appreciation of the care and intention

Why do you not see

Look around

Every hair on your head is artwork

Carefully planned

And crafted

With such love and dedication

Who do you need when you break down

Come undone

Who is by your side no

Matter the wrongs committed

No matter the twistedness

And dark places you seek

So desperately to hide

Why do you not see

There is one who loves you beyond

Your comprehension

Can fill the darkness with light

Is saying look at me

See me

Love me

I want into the places

Only I can fill

The holes in your heart

That feel so vast

Yet could be so easily

Smoothed over

Made whole

But leave the scars

That, my friend

Is what makes you, you

What creates your story

Shapes your thoughts

Sings your song

Reminds you

Makes you beautiful

And a work of art

So intentional

Why do you not see

Someone wants you for these scars

Wants you so deeply

It is beyond your comprehension

Romancing you

Caressing your very core

So the fault lines will be still at last

Why do you not see?

Open your eyes friend

Of mine

Even if you don’t

Open your eyes

He will still pine for you

Why do you not see?

Natalie Oliver - A dear friend :)

When God is most glorified

Dangerous Romantic Poets

"We are the dangerous, romantic, poets of love. Dangerous because we question a world order that causes people to live in slavery. Romantic because we are called the greatest love story ever. Poets because we are his workmanship, His poema. ...We are living poems and should tell our story with beauty."

Gordon Pennington

This is Spring Flower by Pino

He amazes me with how he paints light, fabric, and especially femininity.

Philosophy Lived Out

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes ..."  I couldn't agree more.  I have had the opportunity to live out some of my budding philosophies in the past few weeks.  It is hard to describe the pleasure I experience when I turn out to be the man I am hoping to become.  It is like dreaming of and training to climb Everest.  Effort, intentions and hope amount to little when tested against the rock face.  All that matters is whether or not, in that moment, I am up to the challenge, whether I have what it takes.

JDM

Been there :)

Aging and Follies

With my 30th birthday less than 10 days away I am primed for intro and retrospection. Anyway, I thought I would share my journal entry from today. Please excuse the style it’s not a blog entry, it’s a journal entry. Therefore it reflects the way I think more than the way I intend to write :)

I am taking a developmental psych class. I just read 2 chapters on late adulthood. It sparked my mind.  When I look back on the last 10 years of my life I lament my own foolishness and the cost of my poor decisions. I feel I wasted time. Of course the time will only be truly wasted if I do not learn from my mistakes. Who has not wondered “If I only knew then, what I know now…” To hope to embody the wisdom gained over time without experiencing the cost of the lessons may be itself a form of folly and an expression naivety. Certainly wondering about how things could be different if I had made different choices has limited utility. That said, I refuse to believe that I am doomed to always regret my focus and choices when looking back at the successive decades of my life. It must be possible to grow in wisdom and perspective at an accelerated rate. The hard way cannot be the only way to learn deep truths.

With that in mind I started to think about how in retrospect the things that seem important are shown, in the light of greater perspective, to be rather foolish and often at a great cost. I can easily list the expected follies of the teen years. As I approach 30 I am becoming more aware of the resident foolishness of the 20s. What is far more difficult is to determine what I am doing now that I will lament later. Or more likely, what I am not doing, how am I seeing life, and what am I focusing on that I will one day wish had been different? Where am I missing the forest for the trees?

In a given culture and time I believe each stage (I use decades) of life contains likely blind spots and opportunities for growth. I do not look forward to looking back every ten years thinking thoughts like, “What was I thinking?” or “I just didn’t know…” or “If only I had known.” I have lived too much life to hope for a future where I would not change any of my decisions, but I am committed to and determined to do everything in my power to learn these lessons ahead of time.

What maxims are apparent to a 55 or 65 year old regarding my stage in life and the next 10 years? I have a 5 year old son. What do most grandparents wish they had done differently when their kids were young? I hope to find love and get married in the next several years. What advice would successful couples married for 50+ years give to me as I pursue this? When I do find my partner, what wisdom could widows and widowers impart to me about how to cherish her while I have her? Will I have the character to go against the grain and implement this wisdom when I receive it?

I wonder how these thoughts will strike me when I am 60. Will they be an important realization en route to a truly remarkable life? Or will their folly be apparent?

crazy major props to the young Christian photographer whom I basically ripped off here check him out 

JDM

Your absence arouses me

The serenity of your absence arouses me.
Highlighting the very core of existence.
Time has only increased this new awakening
And my body burns with a new desire..
Life ~ Unpredictable madness
Heat of the unknown possibilities
Excitement of new wonders
Exploration ~ How kind.
I am, but a sweet wine
Aged in youth, not ready to be poured..
And taken in
My precious stranger
Take me in
And swallow me whole
With your energy and integrity.
Now with undeclared time and freedom
My life, as mediocre as it once was.
Is now full of everlasting possibilities
And I am ready to conquer and journey
Through this quest for knowledge

Dyanna Dunlevy

Pleasure in Him

    You awake to find yourself in a strangely familiar wood.  You get up feeling refreshed and a little bit confused as to where you are.  You begin to explore the area, finding meadows filled with flowers, trees heavy laden with fruit of every kind,  and finally, a simple stone pathway.  Following the path you set out to see more of this enchanted place.  It curves among giant oaks and redwoods, passes over streams and under a mighty waterfall.  As you continue on in wonder you begin to weave your way up a mountain.  You have never felt more aware or at peace.  As you crest the top you come into a large plateau and see that the path leads to a stone fountain.

    As you enter the plateau you begin to smell a sweet...no warm...well...wonderful aroma emanating from the fountain.  The fountain is simple yet gracefully designed and crafted.  On it there is an inscription that reads, "Drink me and you will never be the same, you will never thirst. Indeed, I will become in you a spring of water welling up to eternal life." You are immediately overcome by the strongest thirst you have ever experienced.  You wonder weather it is safe, so you stick the just tip of your finger in. Its cold, but where it contacted your skin becomes immediately hot like fire.  Unsure, you cup your hands and bring them to your lips.  Though it is like ice and fire you drink deeply.

    At first it tastes sweet, sweet like the best desserts you have ever had, then it is warm and flavorful, then its as though you are partaking of all the finest foods and drinks and fruits all at once, the combined pleasure of them all in this water.  As it rushes down your throat you experience a new sensation, to your disbelief you experience the thrill of flirting, then the excitement of pursuit, then the passion of new love, followed yet by the deep comfort of commitment.  The magic liquid reaches you belly.  Slowly at first, warmth begins to spread in every direction.  Seemingly lighting every nerve aflame until you feel you will be consumed.  Waves of pleasure crash through you again and again until you know your heart will explode for its beating and your cells will burst under the intensity of it. 

    As the waves recede you begin to hear a melody.  Though it is not just a melody, it is the melody.  It is the song all others were but whispers of, the song of His heart.  It carries you enraptured in its beauty, through crescendo's of triumph, playful moments and accomplishments, in fact through everything wonderful in the human experience.  You are then filled with awe as though you are taking in all beauty and majesty at once.  Next you begin to feel enveloped in the warmth of the embrace of love. Into perfect security and comfort you hear the voice human ears were invented to hear speak, He says, "I love you, I treasure you, I adore you, you are mine and I am yours."

    You become aware that you are laying in the grass of the plateau filled with the assurance that nothing is worth seeking other than this water and the man who's voice spoke to your deepest soul.

JDM

Life is no "breif candle"

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy...I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no "brief candle" for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

George Bernard Shaw

It Is Not Beauty I Demand

It is not Beauty I demand,
A crystal brow, the moon's despair,
Nor the snow's daughter, a white hand,
Nor mermaid's yellow pride of hair.

Tell me not of your starry eyes,
Your lips that seem on roses fed,
Your breasts where Cupid trembling lies,
Nor sleeps for kissing of his bed.

A bloomy pair of vermeil cheeks,
Like Hebe's in her ruddiest hours,
A breath that softer music speaks
Than summer winds a-wooing flowers.

These are but gauds; nay, what are lips?
Coral beneath the ocean-stream,
Whose brink when your adventurer sips
Full oft he perisheth on them.

And what are cheeks but ensigns oft
That wave hot youth to fields of blood?
Did Helen's breast though ne'er so soft,
Do Greece or Ilium any good?

Eyes can with baleful ardor burn,
Poison can breath that erst perfumed,
There's many a white hand holds an urn
With lovers' hearts to dust consumed.

For crystal brows--there's naught within,
They are but empty cells for pride;
He who the Syren's hair would win
Is mostly strangled in the tide.

Give me, instead of beauty's bust,
A tender heart, a loyal mind,
Which with temptation I could trust,
Yet never linked with error find.

One in whose gentle bosom I
Could pour my secret heart of woes.
Like the care-burdened honey-fly
That hides his murmurs in the rose.

My earthly comforter whose love
So indefeasible might be,
That when my spirit won above
Hers could not stay for sympathy.

George Darley 1828

These aren't questions of the mind.

    I spent the last four days in wonder and awe over the majesty of our God's creation.  I was blessed, refreshed, stirred and inspired.  God spoke to me and nourished my heart.  The expansive mountains and His presence drew me into a place of being who I am, where I am (emotionally) and feeling what I feel.  This is in contrast to my norm of trying to be who I want to be, where I should be and feeling sensible or productive feelings.

    I brought along a book I haven't read in several years.  Upon opening, out fell a picture of Shea and Malachi dated April of 2005.  I was stirred by it.  Here was my family, my bride and my heir, at our pinnacle of happiness and success, a moment in time, where I was as close to living my dream as ever before or since.  This came in the context of being surrounded by men young and old in various stages of hope and happiness; one - engaged, another - expecting his first, still others in the sweet partnership of later years.  I realized that I  had not made peace with the loss of my family and all of the hopes and dreams to be lived with them.  I was so grieved and jealous.  Not envious, but jealous.  Just so strongly desiring what everyone around me had.

    This uncovered some carefully hidden burning and sorrowful questions filling my heart:  "Why is my story so different?  Why can't I have this too?  Why is my bride in the arms of another?  etc.  In my mind, I have many answers to these questions, many of which point the finger at me.  But these aren't questions of the mind, they are yearnings and groanings of my heart which my mind has no power to address.

    With no religion or accusation, but more with confusion and sorrow  I brought these questions to my loving Father.  True to form, He hasn't answered me directly.  But He has with an assurance of his love, goodness and faithfulness.  I can say He is good, loving and faithful.

JDM

Time heals all wounds...to some extent.

What a difference a year makes!  I'm now 2 years from separation and going on one from the divorce.  My anger, insanity and such continually decrease.  I've been growing, maturing, learning, living vibrantly and even dating.  Let me tell you, starting to date again has been so strange.  I felt like a little boy when I recently asked to take a girl out.  I was shocked.  I then realized that the last time I did that I was 17 years old.  Its been about 12 years :0  That makes me feel old!  Its been fun.  I no longer yearn for Shea.  That could only last so long.  I am so excited to start school again in the fall.  I will finish my undergrad get a masters and maybe my doctorate.  Sounds a little daunting, but I couldn't be more ready, motivated or excited about it.  :)

JDM